2013/04/19 - House of Blues - Dallas, TX
Set 1: Nipple Trix > Resolution > Hourglass, 1348, Morning Song, Rosanna > Conduit, Mulche’s Odyssey
Set 2: All In Time > Day Nurse > All In Time, Higgins -> Talking in Your Sleep[1] -> Higgins[2], Slacker, Can’t You Hear Me Knocking
Encore: Partyin’ Peeps > Hajimemashite
[1] debut, The Romantics; one verse and chorus
[2] “Jimmy Stewart” with lyrics
Support: Moon Taxi
I just realized the D-Rob story was likely lost to the ether.
We was kings.
Damn. There has to be a way to get it back via the wayback machine?
Damn. That was a great read. I think my favorite part was the girl falling out and putting her head through a wall while you guys did hits out of a glock shaped piece. I may be getting some facts wrong but I remember that was the general gist.
^ she fell so hard.
She fell and her skull went in to a door. That hole created was so epic there was a bunch of blond hairs ripped off stuck in the there.
Later that night was the first time I ever talked to a stripper about taxes…which wasn’t the last time I talked to a stripper about taxes.
On the way down there, I’m calling folks that might be there, making plans, etc. We pull up as Reso finishes and enjoy the first set. At setbreak, I go out to try and meet up with a buddy, and am stopped by a frat brother I haven’t seen in 4 years. Now this guy is the quintessential Ole Miss Frat Bro. He’s not just wealthy, he’s Ferrari wealthy. Anyway, he’s rocking VIP, I have a few drinks in the lounge, and he says we should catch up after. I consider it a nicety, and go about the rest of the show.
Show’s over around 1, and after my long day, I’m not done drinking. Unfortunately, the bars close at 2 in Dallas, so I decide to give homeboy a call. Best decision ever. He tells us to come to his apt, give me an address, and we hit the road (Me, Stringz, Fussy, and another buddy, Lee).
As expected, homeboy lives in a fucking penthouse in the heart of Dallas. He starts talking: “Fuck, Southern Hospitality, this is Texas Hospitality.” So we’re partying, drinking expensive bourbon, and some of us are playing controlled substance Bingo. Knock on the door. It’s a huge black guy. Huge. He walks (ok, swaggers) in, and obviously knows my buddies from Dallas, so the party continues. He mentions he was in the NFL for a while, played for Iowa, etc. His story checks out. At this point, my buddy pulls out a Glock 9 mm bong. Shit’s getting real. D’Rob (ex-NFL), is on the “Texas Hospitality” train and mentions that the strip club is open until 6. Well shit, we’re in. But we’re broke. My buddy says, don’t even get any money out, let’s roll. This chick gets up to use the bathroom, and we hear a fucking thud. A real thud. Go to check it out, and this girl has fallen so hard that she put a hole in the fucking bathroom door, and there is hair stuck in the hole. So she, and the other chick are now out for the strip club (Emergency Room implied jam). This leaves 3 white borters, 1 asian borter, my buddy from Dallas, and D’Rob.
So we follow D’Rob’s jacked up, rimmed, $60k “play truck” in Stringz’s car, and pull up to some place called “XTC.” The reality of the situation sinks in. We are about to walk into a HOOD AS FUCK strip club. Fuck it, fortune favors the bold. We pull up, but D’Rob drives straight to the back, gets out, moves a bunch of traffic cones, and pulls through to some protected area. Not sure what to do, we follow. Turns out, D’Rob is valeting his truck. He points at our car and says “they’re with me, take care of them.” Here it’s important to note that we are surrounded by $100k benzs, jacked up trucks, etc. But Stringz’s ride is… practical. We’re talking no power windows “practical.” It’s also fucking totaled from a recent hail storm. (Windshield busted out, looks like someone took a bat to the whole fucking car) We’re VIP valeting a totaled Honda Civic. Nothing to do but own the situation, toss the guy the keys, and tell him to “keep it close.”
Now, XTC has a dress code. And Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles T-Shirts, “white-boy tennis shoes,” and khaki shorts ain’t on it. I’m probably wearing the shortest shorts any man has ever worn into this place. Again, D’Rob to the rescue: “They cool, they work in production on the new Batman movie.” We make it past security, and the doors open, and it’s like a movie where the doors open up, someone scratches a record, and everyone looks at us. But then they see D’Rob, and shit goes fine.
Oh shit, all the tables are taken. Not a problem. D’Rob walks up to the table right in front of the stage, and literally makes 2 tables full of people that looked like they spend a ton of money there get up so the only white kids in the building can sit down. Walking up to the table, on of the thuggest looking dudes in the place looks at my buddy Lee and says “Damn, N***, you ROLLING!” Lee gives the perfect white response to being called a N by a black guy and just giggles and says yes.
We sit down, and D’Rob is just pointing at ladies. When they get pointed at, they come to our area, do their thing. Now, I’ve been to strip clubs. But I’ve never been to a “touching encouraged” strip club. These ladies were all about some gross shit. I’m talking shoving our hands places, febreezing their assholes between dances, etc. We’re getting down, taking lap dances (not paying for them though), and watching people all over the place make it rain. At this point, we’re not even trying to keep the Batman story going. We’re telling anyone who asks that we are bunch of kids from MS and we are having the time of our lives (implied controlled substance bingo). This continues until closing time when we make our way to the door.
We walk out of XTC, hand the guy our valet slip, and wait. D’Rob refuses to leave before us because he’s convinced we’re going to fuck this up somehow. After Porsche’s, Mercedes, etc all get out of the lot, the beat-to-shit Honda Civic pulls up. This draws attention. The spectators are literally jaw-dropped as 4 fucking wooks in T-Shirts, shorts, sandals, and grins bigger than our boners get in. It’s really this moment that everything sinks in. The hilarity of this story is not in the details, but in the abridged conclusions that we all drew at this moment. 4 Umphrey’s kids ended up walking into a strip club that we would not even be allowed in if it weren’t for randomly meeting this ex-pro baller at about 2AM. We broke dress code (hard). We valet’d a totaled Civic (hard). We then proceeded to be treated like absolute kings despite our appearance, lack of money, and generally observable discomfort. One girl got a concussion (hard), we smoked out of a Glock 9MM, a bunch of strippers thought we worked on the Batman movie, and we got down harder than the cartel did at XTC that night. 4 hours later we were on the road to Austin.
Amazing lmfao
I remember reading that story years ago. Nice retrieval, mang! 
SUPER bored at work and decided to clean out my Gmail as it was nearing capacity. All of the old emails and files I had saved the last time I did that was a fun trip down memory lane. I thought that post was lost to time, but apparently I had copypasta’d it to send to a friend some time in 2014.
“Stringz’s ride is… practical” brings the lulz every time. That car was beat to shit.
Fun Fact: “Ferarri rich frat bro” has settled down, has 3 beautiful kids, and brings the lolz about that trip every time I see him. What I don’t know is what that girl’s concussion count is up to these days.
Do you have your NOLA wedding/Tauk post saved? That remains one of the best posts I’ve read online.
I do not, but I know they played that set.
That wedding/Tauk show was 11/12/16, and I think the bort had already moved from umphreaks(dot)com at that point, so I can’t remember where to search on the wayback machine.
It would be TheBort[dot]com for anything from Fall 2010 until end of 2019 iirc. I’m still salty about buying a BortSupporter badge for my new handle July 2010 only to see Snork take the money and run a month later!
Yeah, just checked, but I would have posted that in the TAUK thread (I think), which would have been in “Other Artists” and is not a publicly viewable section of that bort. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was quoted somewhere in the UM discussion section, but I don’t have the know-how to find it.
Father of the bride getting decked at a TAUK show. Lolz.
I’ve been engaged for 22 months and I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve thought about that story during planning meetings and shit.