I still remember reading this for the first time. God I’d love some more @myfarm melts, they were electric
Damn I didn’t realize that was from a different account. But the red rocks melts are the best
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NO CHOICE but to #DoseTheBaby
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::cues up deemsta baby copy pasta::
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Bringing a 10 month old to zeds dead… muy intelligente
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I’m voting for dose the family in this case. Maybe it’d wake the dude up.
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I like it, it’s new to me!!
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Bringin your baby to an edm show is not being very plur to the baby
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I’d like to bring up this important point for discussion
Study Reveals: Babies are Stupid
May 21st, 1997
LOS ANGELES - A surprising new study released Monday by UCLA’s Institute For Child Development revealed that human babies, long thought by psychologists to be highly inquisitive and adaptable, are actually extraordinarily stupid.
The study, an 18-month battery of intelligence tests administered to over 3,500 babies, concluded categorically that babies are “so stupid, it’s not even funny.”
According to Institute president Molly Bentley, in an effort to determine infant survival instincts when attacked, the babies were prodded in an aggressive manner with a broken broom handle. Over 90 percent of them, when poked, failed to make even rudimentary attempts to defend themselves. The remaining 10 percent responded by vacating their bowels.
It is unlikely that the presence of the babies’ fecal matter, however foul-smelling, would have a measurable defensive effect against an attacker in a real-world situation," Bentley said.
Another test, in which the infants were placed on a mound of dirt outdoors during a torrential downpour, produced similarly bleak results.
“The chicken, dog and even worm babies that we submitted to the test as a control group all had enough sense to come in from the rain or, at least, seek shelter under a leafy clump of vegetation or outcropping of rock,” test supervisor Thomas Howell said. “The human babies, on the other hand, could not grasp even this incredibly basic concept, instead merely lying on the ground and making gurgling noises.”
According to Howell, almost 60 percent of the infants tested in this manner eventually drowned.
Some of the babies tested were actually so stupid that they choked to death on pieces of Micronaut space toys. Others, unable to use such primitive instruments as can openers and spoons due to insufficient motor skills, simply starved to death, despite being surrounded by cabinets full of nutritious, life-giving Gerber-brand baby-food products.
Babies, the study concluded, are also too stupid to do the following: avoid getting their heads trapped in automatic car windows; use ice to alleviate the pain of burn injuries resulting from touching an open flame; master the skills required for scuba diving; and use a safety ladder to reach a window to escape from a room filled with cyanide gas.
“As a mother of four, I find these results very disheartening,” Bentley told reporters. “I can honestly say that the effort I have expended trying to raise my children into intelligent beings may have been entirely wasted, a fool’s dream, if you will.”
Study results also prompted a strong reaction from President Clinton. “All of us, on some primitive, mammalian level, feel a great sense of pride in our offspring,” Clinton said. “It is now clear, however, that these feelings are unfounded. Given the overwhelming evidence of their profound stupidity, we have no choice but to replace our existing infant population with artificially incubated simu-drones, with the eventual goal of phasing out the shamefully stupid human baby forever.”
Not sure why the original Onion link isn’t around anymore, but…
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Old school onion was kinda intense
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Stupid babies need the MOST attention.
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Pretty sure my kid is perma-dosed. The two year old mind is interesting….
Dose the damn baby people.
Signed,
A drug band fan bringing his two kids to an UM show in Iowa this May.
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This can’t be real, who in their right mind would bring a 10 month old to an indoor Zed’s Dead show?
Outdoor show with a lawn is one thing, but I’m presuming this was indoors? And they probably didn’t even bother to put ear protection on the baby either.
Poor kid already has to live in Iowa. You might as well ruin their life with drugs before their do it on their own.
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My kids and I live in Minnesota. We will be driving down to Des Moines to visit family and see UM.
Iowa sucks but it’s better then the states to it’s west, south and east
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While packing my groceries at Aldi, I noticed an obvious traveler of musical shows and complimented her on her pretty sweet GD hoodie. She said thanks and complimented me on my tie-dye shirt, while asking me if I’ve ever toured. I said I was never fortunate enough to do so, but i love the music. I said I like UM, and she just scoffs and says “I think they’re loud and awful, have you ever listened to Twiddle?”
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A lot of Deadheads have really shitty taste in music and only like things that are light and easy, but then will just randomly be huge WSP people
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damn, pretty sure i’ve never replied to someone who just told me what band(s) they like with the word “awful”.
however, if i nod and say “right on”, there is a 50% chance that in my head i’m thinking “eww”
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